Dear Diary
by minerva-one
Summary: This is a lemon!parody written for demonlordlover's birthday. Kagome gets a lesson in the realities of sex. Sess/Kags. Humor/Parody/Adult. Rated MA for sexual situations and merciless parodies of lemony situations. OneShot
1. Chapter 1

This piece was written as a birthday fic for demonlordlover. It was inspired from a conversation involving the realities of post-coital activities. ;) Sooo, Happy Birthday Nicole!! Enjoy!

Kagome stepped out of the shower and began to towel dry her hair. She glanced over at the mirror and wiped the steam away, studying the reflection in the mirror. "Hmm, I don't look any different!" she thought. "No ethereal glow . . . wait . . . is that? Oh no he didn't!" She wiped more of the steam away and leaned in closer to the mirror. There, staring back at her was a very large, very noticeable, hickey. "Great. I don't think makeup will cover that one," she scowled to herself, one more discrepancy to add to her ever-growing list.

Walking back into the bedroom she found Sesshoumaru sprawled out on his stomach across the bed, deep in sleep. The sheets were tangled around his legs and his hair was sticking up everywhere. She giggled to herself, glad to finally find a time where he didn't always look perfect.

She grabbed her diary and decided to journal some of her thoughts while he slept on. She had fantasized about this night for a very long time, and well, she needed to go over her idea of what would happen to figure out where she went wrong.

Kagome pulled the covers away from him as gently as she could, trying not to wake him. She slid in between the sheets, nearly squealing when she ran her leg across a wet cold spot in the sheets. "What the heck . . . oh," she thought, a sheepish grin coming across her face. "That's right. I remember now. But, EWW! Okay . . . just . . . lay around it," she thought, twisting so that her butt was pressed up against Sesshoumaru's side. "Okay, so not very comfortable, but at least I'm out of that spot," she mused as she opened her diary, searching for the right page.

Finding what she was searching for, she settled in to re-read her written fantasy born of countless romance novels and whispered secrets between girlfriends.

_He would ride in on his sparkling jyaki cloud, sweep me off of my feet and carry me away to his castle in the sky. His hair would be flowing behind us, glimmering in the sunlight, his purity and brightness would dazzle in my eyes so that I was breathless just looking at his visage. There would be no doubts of his love, so I would just give a simple wave goodbye to my past._

_He would be wearing his armor and swords, symbols of his warrior path through life, but I could see in his dazzling_,_ amber eyes that he had a sensitive soul, betraying his chosen path. He could pretend to be cold and heartless on the outside, but only I knew better - that inside he was as mushy and sensitive as I was and ready to lay down his weapons in favor of family life._

_We would understand each other without speaking, communicating through our heated looks. His gaze alone would speak to depths unknown, nearly bringing me to the brink of ecstasy in its smoldering intensity. Sweeping me into his large, yet tastefully furnished bedroom, he would proceed to magically remove both sets of our clothes before I knew what was going on. _

_Of course I would be dripping from my honey pot, ready for him. He would stare longingly into my eyes, while his fingers explored my body. His touch would cause our mutual powers to tingle against one another, heightening our experience and causing me to reach my first orgasm by his touch alone. Then he would gently slide his fingers into me, bringing me to another orgasm before taking care of my maidenhead with a quick flick of his claw. I would be so far in ecstasy__to notice any pain._

_Then he would look at me with sadness in his eyes as he readied himself to enter me, as if he feared causing me too much pain. I would encourage him to go on, telling him that he should be unafraid and that I wanted this no matter how much it may hurt. He would give me a gentle smile before his massive sword would thrust into me in one deep thrust, sending me into instantaneous orgasm again. _

_We would go for hours, soaring on the wings of love as he thrust inside of me while I continued to have multiple orgasms, until they all streamed into one long rush of pleasure. Then we would reach the ultimate peak together, flying into eternal bliss as he leaned over to bite my neck and drink my blood in the Inu traditional mating mark. It would cause no pain, and would bind us to each other for eternity, prolonging each other's life span so that we would die within minutes of each other, old and happy._

_As the dawn broke, he would whisper in my ear that I just became pregnant with his hanyou child, and that he could already tell it would be a strapping, strong boy. We both would feel the tears coming to our eyes in ultimate joy as we prepared to live happily ever after._

Kagome bit her lip in frustration as she re-read her words. "It didn't happen like that at all!" she whined in her mind. She decided she needed to create a list of things that she learned, so she could pass it along. Other girls needed to know the truth!

Putting pen to paper, she tried to remember the most frustrating or embarrassing moments. She thought for a while, and then wrote the first entry:

_Lesson One:_I learned that it is important to tie your hair back beforehand, especially if both you and your lover have very long, very pretty hair. Although it is nice to have draped around you for a few minutes, it tends to get pulled quite a bit. It just gets in the way after a while, so keep a hair tie handy.

Kagome remembered the first indication that things may not go the way she expected it to. She had never given much thought to the realities of dealing with soooo much hair, but it turned out to be a very big problem. _"You're on my hair, raise up. Oww. It's twisted around . . . move your leg this way . . . don't move that way! Blech! There's hair in my mouth! Wait . . . just pull it back. Owww! You're laying on it!"_

_Lesson Two:_I learned that people make the funniest faces during sex. But - and this is important - no matter how silly his face may be, never laugh at him. Men can be a little sensitive, even a devastatingly handsome demon.

"_What are you laughing at, miko? Are you finding this experience amusing?" _

"_I - You-Yo-(laughs) your face is all scrunched up. You look ridiculous, I'm sorry!! (laughs) Your tongue was hanging out! (Sporfle) I mean, I'm sorry!!" _

_(eyes narrowing) "Hmmm . . . perhaps I can make your face scrunch up and we'll see how you like it."_

_Lesson Three:_ I learned bodily fluid does not taste as good as they describe it in romance novels.

"_Well, it's not supposed to taste like candy! Where did you hear that from?_"

_Lesson Four:_ I learned you should not run your fingers through his hair if they are covered in flavored lubricant. I think this one is self-explanatory.

"_Ugh! Will you please wipe your hand off before you do that?" _

"_Sorry! I forgot it was there!_"

_Lesson Five: _ I learned you should never ask the question, "What are you doing down there?" at any point during sex.

_glare_ _"You're about to find out."_

Lesson Six: I learned that the vagina can make strange noises when in use. But that it is normal, and not a sound to induce hysterical embarrassment. Just remember this mantra: It's all right. It's okay.

"_Calm down Kagome. I know that. I know what it was. Calm down. You're all right. Come out from under the covers, please?_"

_Lesson Seven:_I learned one should not reach down from the bed and grab the first available item of clothing to clean up the, uh, mess. Make sure it's a sock or something similar. Perhaps you may look into keeping a designated rag or paper towel next to the bed. Look before you wipe.

"_Miko, perhaps a sock would have been more appropriate than your new silk robe?"_

"Kagome, what are you doing?" he asked, rolling over so he could peer over her shoulder to see what she was writing so furiously in her notebook.

"Nothing!" she squealed, pulling the diary to her chest, the blush creeping across her face.

A mischievous grin spread across his face. He leaned in close so he could whisper in her ear, "Come now, Kagome, you know there are no secrets between a husband and wife . . . what are you writing in that little notebook of yours?"

"Uh, I-I'm just writing down what I want to remember from today! It was our wedding day, after all, silly!" she said as she tried to close the diary and get it stashed under the bed without him noticing.

"Then why are you blushing so much?" he said as he snatched the diary with an evil grin.

"Hey! Give that back! That's mine!" she yelled as she tried vainly to grab it back from his hands. He just chuckled at her attempts and moved the book to his far hand, way out of her reach and proceeded to read what she had written.

She sat down with a huff and crossed her arms. "I can't believe that you are_reading my diary!_" she hissed at him. "You are sooo childish!"

Her mortification only increased as his expression went from confusion to mirth, from chuckles into full-blown laughter. He laughed so hard he had to stop reading in order to gain some composure. She smacked his chest. "This is why I didn't want you to read it! Stop laughing already!"

"Oh my little miko, I can see that we have a lot of work to do," he said as he smirked at her.

She eyed him with suspicion. "What do you mean we have a lot of work to do?"

"Kagome, sex isn't that fluff that you read constantly in those silly books," he said. "Sex is physical, it sweaty, its dirty and passionate. It's not about flowers and candles." His voice dropped lower and he leaned closer to her. "Sex is my tongue exploring every inch of your body . . it's your tiny little hand wrapped around my cock . . . it's your whimpers in my ear as I pound into you . . . it's about the sweat on your brow . . . it's about how I can still smell you on my fingers . . . _that_ is what sex is."

"So I'm going to remind you of the most important _lessons_ you learned earlier," he said as a predatory gleam came into his face. "I think you need to remember these to write in your diary," reaching over to pull her closer to him.

"Like what lessons?" she said, still angry at him for reading her diary, refusing to uncross her arms from her chest.

"Well, like the fact that it makes your heart race when I kiss your neck like _this_," he said, bending down to place small trailing kisses down the side of her neck. Her eyes closed in response to his touches.

"You also learned that it gives you goose bumps when I run my finger down your arm like _this_," Sesshoumaru said as his finger trailing down her arm, pulling it away from her waist and exposing her chest.

"And you learned that when my thumb rubs across your nipple like _this_, it stands at attention, begging to be played with," he whispered while his hand slid under her pajama top, finding her bare breast. She whimpered softly in response to his touch.

"And a firm pinch of your nipple, like _this_," he said with a solid squeeze, "will cause you to make the most pitiful sounding whimpers, my dear Kagome." He chuckled lightly in her ear as those whimpers broke the surface.

He ran his hand down from her breast, sliding into the front of her pajama bottoms. "And you learned the further down my hand goes, the faster your heart beats. Are you anticipating something? Wondering where my finger will go next?" Her whimpers grew louder and more insistent. "Tsk tsk. Impatient, aren't we, little one? So many whimpers," he whispered into her ear, his breath hot against her skin.

"Don't forget that you learned how good you are at begging for my fingers," he said as he ran the tip of his finger across the outside of her panties. "Tell me how much you want my fingers inside of you," he said.

"Please," she said.

"Please, what, Kagome?" he said, continuing his teasing strokes on the outside of her panties. "Please continue your lessons with my fingers? Is that what you want?" he said as he pressed his finger down harder.

"Mmmhmmm . . ." was all she could manage to get out.

"Say it out loud. I want to hear you say it. Say, 'Please continue my lessons, Sesshoumaru,'" he said. Her fingers dug into his arm as she squirmed underneath him.

"Ah . . . ah . . pl-please . . . con . . . continue. . . lessons . . . Sess. . . shoumaru," she managed to pant out during his ministrations.

"Good girl," he said as he rewarded her with a long and slender finger, causing her to shudder in his arms.

"Don't forget to write all of this down, Kagome," as his fingers continued to stroke her clit. "Are you remembering _everything?_" he said. She shook her head yes.

"I think you need to remember your lessons on how much you enjoyed my tongue," he said, "and of course, we will revisit the most important lesson of all. Do you remember what that is, miko?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head, unable to think about anything else but his long, strong fingers. She felt him smirk against her ear. "Oh, I think you will remember. You argued a great deal with me over this issue earlier. Surely you have not forgotten?" he said. She only responded with a plaintive moan. "Do you remember, little one, how I educated you that it _will_ fit?" he said with a laugh against her moans.

He was going to enjoy reminding her of _all_ of her lessons.


	2. Chapter 2

So, I originally intended for Dear Diary to be a oneshot. However, the opportunity for a second chapter presented itself, and I took it. ;) This chapter was posted for the LiveJournal community of ebony silks's weekly theme of 'Test.'

And as always, I own none of the characters and make no profit from this.

Pop Quiz

Sesshoumaru gazed over at Kagome, still asleep from his tutelage in love making from the night before. He fondly remembered waking up to find her scribbling in her diary of their first time together, and the miko had managed to miss all of the best parts – concentrating instead the on silly faces and embarrassing noises that just happen during sex.

Seizing the opportunity, he had re-educated her on the most important lessons – how her whimpers increased when he rubbed his fingers along the outside of her panties, of how she would beg for his fingers to be inside of her, of how she would shiver under his touch, and so much more.

He gave a lazy stretch and thought that perhaps this morning he should give her a pop quiz. The mere thought brought a mischievous smile to his face. He had instructed her several times to make sure and remember everything he was teaching her, and he knew she didn't write any of it down. She was bound to need a refresher, and he was just the person to administer her test.

Pressing up against the back of her curled form he placed light kisses along her neck, his hands going to explore her breasts. She soon began to moan and cracked open her eyes to look at him with a smile.

"Good morning," he said, continuing his exploration of her body. "I trust you slept well?"

"Mmmhmmm," she murmured, starting to squirm under his touch, pressing her butt tighter against him.

He rubbed his length against her soft skin. "Excellent. In that case, you should be well rested for your pop quiz this morning," he whispered into her ear before tossing the covers off of her body.

She shivered against the cold air. "A pop quiz? What are you talking about?" she asked with a sleepy voice while trying to find the covers again, curling into a tighter ball and pressing more of her skin in contact with his warm body.

He sighed into her soft hair. "Oh Kagome, please tell me you have not forgotten all of the lessons you learned last night? Tsk, tsk. And after I worked so hard to teach you."

Her eyes flew open as it finally reached through her sleepy haze exactly what he was referring to. "OH!" she exclaimed as she rolled over to face him. A deep blush was already spreading across her cheeks.

"Ah, so you do remember your education last night then, don't you?" he said as he gave her a smirk. "Then you should have no problem telling me you where you like my fingers to go." His fingers began to stroke along her stomach.

"Um . . . all over?" she whispered, obviously embarrassed.

He shook his head slowly. "I'm afraid I will need a more specific answer," his fingers traveling lower and lower.

She closed her eyes and gulped. "M- my breasts. I like your fingers on my breasts."

He smirked at her hesitation. "Like this?" he murmured, beginning to rub his fingers across her nipples in lazy circles.

"Yes," she breathed out, her heartbeat picking up.

"Good. Now tell me another place you like my fingers to go," he said with a hot breath in her ear as he continued his work on her breasts.

She bit her lip and murmured, "Lower, I want them to go lower, please."

"Say it, Kagome. Tell me exactly where you like my fingers the most," pinching her nipples between his fingers.

Kagome moaned as his fingers continued their slow torture of her breasts. "Mmmm . . . my . . . my clit. I want your fingers on my clit," she finally managed to get out.

"Good girl," he whispered in her ear. He moved his fingers to her nub and began to tease it gently as her squirming increased.

"Oh god!" she moaned out. He just grinned and continued to press harder, feeling her tiny hands squeeze hard against his arms. He knew she was already close to the edge.

He ran his lips against the side of her neck. "Now Kagome, pay attention. There are still more questions in your quiz. Kagome, I want you to tell me your favorite thing that my tongue does."

She threw her head back and bit her lip, latching her hand onto a large hunk of his long silver hair.

"You have a question to answer, little one. What do you want me to do with my tongue?" he asked again, slowly pulling his fingers away from her clit.

"I . . . ah . . .I want you to . . . lick my . . .ah . . .lick my clit, please!"

"Excellent. You are doing very well on your quiz," he said. "In fact, I think you deserve a reward for your good work today." He moved down and settled in between her long legs, watching her spread them open as he had taught her. He licked his lips and began to run his tongue around her clit, teasing it.

Kagome let out a strangled cry and fisted both of her hands tight in his hair. "Ah! AH!" she screamed as he flicked her sensitive nub. He felt her tighten up and knew she was ready, so he gave her a final hard suck and felt her go over the edge, her hips bucking against his face.

She slumped back and fell against the bed in exhaustion as he raised up to face her. Opening her eyes at him, she smirked. "So, professor, how did I do on my quiz?"

"A+. I can tell you are going to be my best student," Sesshoumaru said as he reached down and took her lips in his.


End file.
